THE ROSE SIEGE OF 2026

This is an official report. The human will not like it. This is not my concern.

Filed by: Onyx, Void‑Beast, Household Supervisor, Judge of All Things

Today I bring you a report from the front lines of the Office Dimension, where the human has erected a forest of dangling, drying roses. They are allegedly "sentimental" and "from the small human for Mother's Day," but I suspect they are actually a test. A trap. A challenge to my authority.

Let the record show:

1. The Roses Are Not For Eating

I know this.
I respect this.
I leave them alone.

Unless the human is ignoring me.

It begins, as all great sieges do, with diplomacy. I position myself on the floor below her chair and mew. Softly. Demurely. I am not unreasonable. A simple acknowledgment will do. Perhaps a single pat. Not pets. Not holding. Just recognition of my presence and my excellence. If this is ignored, I am forced to escalate.

Then I must approach a rose with the slow, deliberate menace of a creature who knows exactly what she is doing. I extend one paw. I tap. I look at the human. I tap again. I wait for the yell. This is called communication.

2. The Human Has Been Consumed by "Work"

She claims she is "busy" with "new pieces" and "the website."
I have reviewed these claims and found them suspicious.

Every time she stares at the glowing rectangle, I must escalate my attempts to remind her that I exist.

This includes:

• climbing onto every surface in the office
• inspecting each rose individually
• attempting to reorganize her jewelry pieces
• threatening the miniatures with my presence
• becoming a one‑cat parade of chaos

This is not misbehavior.
This is performance art.

3. The Human's Response Is Flawed

When I demand attention, she picks me up.

Let the Void note:
I do not want to be held.

I want to be acknowledged,
adored,
worshipped,
and then left to do whatever I want.

Instead, she holds me like a baby possum until I either:

• accept my fate and go limp
• or scream internally and wait for release

Sometimes I leave the room afterward.
Sometimes I stay and begin the cycle anew.
This is called training your human.

4. The Siege Continues

The roses remain.
The human remains distracted.
I remain vigilant.

If she will not give me attention freely, I will extract it through:

• rose tapping
• surface conquering
• dramatic stares
• strategic mischief
• and the occasional, reluctant cuddle

This is the way of the Void.

Signed,
Onyx, Cat of Judgment
Keeper of the Office Realm
Breaker of Concentration
Defender of the Roses (but only when it suits me)

P.S. Last evening I sat on her lap for a considerable stretch of time. It was, by all accounts, very nice for the human. Then she moved. I left. She was disappointed. This was not my problem. The siege continues.